there will be no organization to this at all. i really don't need to preface my blogs by saying that anymore, considering there is rarely any organization to anything i write. lol
the secretary where i go to counseling and the lady at the rite aid where i buy my wine both commented on my hairstyle change. i don't know what to think about that.
i found my tinkerbell pen that i bought in disney world. it had been missing for months. i bought it because it was supposed to remind me to keep believing in magic. then i realized i don't think i believe in magic anymore. within a day or so, i lost the pen.
i cried last night for the first time in months when i thought i was stranded downtown. i used to cry all the time. happy tears, sad tears. i very much wore my heart on my sleeve. and now the only thing that makes me cry is slicing onions and my allergies. and apparently being left downtown. it is unusual i haven't cried over anything significant in so long. that realization makes me not feel like me anymore.
there is not one person who i would want to see me cry. most of my friends have not seen me cry. and if they have it was probably under the influence of an awful lot of alcohol.
i lie to my journal when i write things. sometimes i'll write something then cross it out and then write, "why am i lying here?? no one sees this but me" but then i still dont' write the truth. i just acknowledge that i was lying. it is the strangest thing. naturally i tend to lie to my counselor and friends too. usually in response to the questions, "how are you?" or "how have you been?" or "how are you feeling?"
i miss my family and a lot of my friends. there are so many people i rarely see anymore.
a few weeks ago someone asked me why i wear my skull and crossbones ring everyday. i had almost forgotten the circumstances surrounding me buying it. i lied to them about why i bought it. now that i remember why i originally wore it, i think i should stop wearing it. but i haven't yet.
my counselor gave me mood tracking worksheets for me to chart my mood cycles on. and she had me go back through several several months of blogs, facebook posts and journal entries to track my past moods. it's ridiculous how predictable my moods are. according to my mood chart, i should be due for about a three month "up" period pretty soon. i'm anxiously awaiting that.
i am constantly on stage.
i don't have a brand of mascara i buy consistently. i usually buy whatever is the newest brightest product in the store. i will buy almost anything if it is packaged attractively. if it has a kick ass commercial, i will probably buy two.
i miss being a romantic. i used to hate that i was so emotional. i used to fall in love so easily and it was ridiculous. but i miss that. there is something sad about feeling incapable of those feelings. and that's how i've been for...ohh over a year now. that part of me was stolen.
this is taking so long to type. i keep catching myself staring blankly out the window. i feel drained. it makes it hard to think of things to say. i suppose i could write more about that, but i would rather not. not today anyways.
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