to be so aware of your own flaws and imperfections is a terrible place to be in. I long for the days when I was completely ignorant to such things. when I could behave however I wanted and argue and defend my right to act in those ways! and to actually believe I was in the right. to be in the dark as to how wrong I was. I find myself envying those who blame others and cannot take responsibility for their actions. I was once that person. how carefree I was then. what a wonderful way to go about your day. making mistakes and blaming everyone else, every situation and circumstance, for what you did. and to truly believe that!
I no longer have that luxury. I have become all too familiar with me. I am constantly inside of my head. I analyze and overanalyze then analyze again every thought I have. every move I make is subject to the harshest scrutiny from myself. to the point where instead of blaming others, I find myself taking the blame for what others do too. oh what dangerous territory for one to delve into! it is constantly depressing to worry about your own actions. your reactions to others actions. others reactions to your actions. well... you can surely see how this gets messy. and difficult.
this mindset was initially a good thing for me. I needed to be able to self reflect. everyone should be able to do this to some extent. it is a valuable tool. but the act of self reflection has somehow spiraled out of control for me. it went from something that was therapeutic to something that was hurtful. it is slowly making me insane. and I can't stop it. I can't stop replaying conversations and interactions with people (some of these conversations are years old!) over and over again in my head. thinking what I could have should have said. what I would do in the future if the same situation were to present itself to me.
of course because I am completely prone to the same destructive behaviors, I often make the same mistakes time and time again. which leads to harsher abuse from myself towards myself for repeatedly doing the same stupid thing. it is nearly devastating to continue disappointing yourself. it is devastating to know, to KNOW, how you should be acting, but feel completely incapable of behaving that way. it is as if rational me is having an out of body experience and is watching pitiful irrational me make my old mistakes. while rational me shouts at her and tells her how upset she with her. and how she's going to have to clean up after her mess, again. irrational shawntae never has to deal with the consequences of her actions. she simply isn't around long enough to be bothered with such trivial things. no, its rational me that has to fix everything. irrational shawntae just rushes through town like a tornado, making a mess of everything then exiting as quickly as she arrived. leaving everyone else to deal with the devastation. namely me. I get to deal with the aftermath. and in dealing with the aftermath comes the inevitable obsessing over details of the storm. and the scrutiny and the analyzing and the reanalyzing. wash rinse repeat. it is completely exhausting in my head.
and the worst part is...I don't think I'm a bad person. I am pretty far from perfect and my flaws are so obvious to me now. but overall, I like to think i'm okay. but the unfortunate side effect to all of this analysis is at the end of the day, I don't feel like a good person anymore. I don't like myself after staring at me under a microscope for so long. I am quick to brush off a compliment or a stray nice thought, yet dwell on every negative interaction. every negative thought. every negative memory. it is becoming impossible. it is heading down a dangerous road. it is to the point where I can't stand to be left alone with my thoughts. I used to enjoy alone time and meditation and writing and silence. but lately, I am forced to seek constant social interaction. i quickly go to a bad place when left alone with my thoughts. so thinking is to be avoided at all costs. at least for the time being.
I no longer have that luxury. I have become all too familiar with me. I am constantly inside of my head. I analyze and overanalyze then analyze again every thought I have. every move I make is subject to the harshest scrutiny from myself. to the point where instead of blaming others, I find myself taking the blame for what others do too. oh what dangerous territory for one to delve into! it is constantly depressing to worry about your own actions. your reactions to others actions. others reactions to your actions. well... you can surely see how this gets messy. and difficult.
this mindset was initially a good thing for me. I needed to be able to self reflect. everyone should be able to do this to some extent. it is a valuable tool. but the act of self reflection has somehow spiraled out of control for me. it went from something that was therapeutic to something that was hurtful. it is slowly making me insane. and I can't stop it. I can't stop replaying conversations and interactions with people (some of these conversations are years old!) over and over again in my head. thinking what I could have should have said. what I would do in the future if the same situation were to present itself to me.
of course because I am completely prone to the same destructive behaviors, I often make the same mistakes time and time again. which leads to harsher abuse from myself towards myself for repeatedly doing the same stupid thing. it is nearly devastating to continue disappointing yourself. it is devastating to know, to KNOW, how you should be acting, but feel completely incapable of behaving that way. it is as if rational me is having an out of body experience and is watching pitiful irrational me make my old mistakes. while rational me shouts at her and tells her how upset she with her. and how she's going to have to clean up after her mess, again. irrational shawntae never has to deal with the consequences of her actions. she simply isn't around long enough to be bothered with such trivial things. no, its rational me that has to fix everything. irrational shawntae just rushes through town like a tornado, making a mess of everything then exiting as quickly as she arrived. leaving everyone else to deal with the devastation. namely me. I get to deal with the aftermath. and in dealing with the aftermath comes the inevitable obsessing over details of the storm. and the scrutiny and the analyzing and the reanalyzing. wash rinse repeat. it is completely exhausting in my head.
and the worst part is...I don't think I'm a bad person. I am pretty far from perfect and my flaws are so obvious to me now. but overall, I like to think i'm okay. but the unfortunate side effect to all of this analysis is at the end of the day, I don't feel like a good person anymore. I don't like myself after staring at me under a microscope for so long. I am quick to brush off a compliment or a stray nice thought, yet dwell on every negative interaction. every negative thought. every negative memory. it is becoming impossible. it is heading down a dangerous road. it is to the point where I can't stand to be left alone with my thoughts. I used to enjoy alone time and meditation and writing and silence. but lately, I am forced to seek constant social interaction. i quickly go to a bad place when left alone with my thoughts. so thinking is to be avoided at all costs. at least for the time being.
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