all or nothing? wtf life!

okay normally i mentally plan my blogs for a few days in advance. and i'm currently doing that...for a different blog. lol this just came to me as i was jotting a few thoughts down in my handy dandy journal, then i figured i'd switch it up and post it in a blog. not entirely sure where i'm going with this, so bare with me if it's (as usual) a bit scattered.

so i was sitting outside with the kids at the daycare thinking. i picked up a tuesday and a thursday shift at the daycare. and tuesday was horrible. lol the whole three hours i was here was absolutely miserable. we have roughly the same amount of kids as we did on tuesday, but today is an awesome day! so i was trying to figure out what is different between tuesday and today. roughly the same amount of kids, the particular group of kids we have is about identical to who was here on tuesday. i was actually having a bit of a shitty day this morning, so it's not like my mood is better today. so wtf is different?

then i realized what it was. on tuesday, the phone rang like every 5 minutes. and parents were in and out at odd times. today the phone hasn't rang once and i've been here for 4 hours now. answering the phones is part of my job, as is interacting with parents. so those things occurring on tuesday isn't unusual by any means. but i realized just now, that here, it's always all or nothing. i can't just have 3 or 4 phone calls during my shift. i either have 20 or none. and although i'm usually pretty cool about handling my stress here, i realized i am completely incapable of handling that much at once.

where are you going with this shawntae? no one gives a fuck about how many phone calls you get in a day at the daycare. ahhh i know. but as i realized how shitty i am coping in those situations, i realized how this relates to every aspect of my life!!! but one in particular that this blog is about.

as of lately i've found myself complaining about guys (shocker! lol) and i'm realizing why. i either have literally no guys that i'm hanging out with or texting or whatever, or i have ten. and there is no in between. in the past year, i have cycled between all or nothing when it comes to guys about a dozen times. and it is exhausting. absolutely exhausting. because, having no guys to flirt with and text and make out with and ahem do other things with, or go on dates with is straight up depressing. no one likes having no one. i certainly don't. so when i'm in that phase of having no one, i sulk and i pity party and i write depressing blogs and even more depressing poetry . wash rinse repeat, until i start talking to a guy. any guy. then i start to feel better. then another guy will text me. well cool..now i've got a couple of guys to talk to. then...three more guys might text me. or a couple will ask me out on a date. or maybe i'll acquire a new make out partner at the bar or something. next thing you know, i'm looking at my inbox on my phone one day and the past 7 messages are from different guys. or i work a third shift and there's five different guys texting me to keep me company.

well isn't that every woman's dream?? lol i feel like a bitch for even complaining. but truth is, i can't deal. lol i get completely overwhelmed and before you know it, i've pulled away from everyone just because i can't handle it. even though there is usually little to no threat of most of the guys evolving into anything serious. but my various phobias involving men and relationships starts to kick in regardless, plus the fact that i just can barely handle it anyways, and then poof! i wave my magic wand and they're all gone. and then i'm alone again and bitching because i don't have any guys to talk to.

lol wtf. can't win.

anyways, completely pointless blog. i'll have to finish my other blog tomorrow. it will be titled something along the lines of "Nice Girls Finish Last Too: Why Men Love Them Some Crazy Bitches" stay tuned folks.