I mean, I know myself decently well. I know my favorite color and favorite foods. I know what kinds of music and movies I like. I even know myself on a slightly deeper level, knowing some of my hopes, fears, passions etc. but now that I've been out of counseling for about a year now, I'm realizing that I need someone else to help me make sense of my life. I don't know what the hell I'm doing most of the time. I don't know what I want. I don't know where I'm going. I am mostly incapable of interpreting my actions and figuring out why I do and say the things I do.
despite the fact that I am not an expert on myself, I must say that I have come a long way in the past couple years. I thought I had things a bit more figured out than I apparently do, but still. trial and error all the way! so when I have a breakthrough it makes me extremely happy because I love figuring out things about myself. after I hit rock bottom back in 2009, I've spent a lot of time working on becoming emotionally healthy, and just a better person overall. I've struggled with this a bit for several reasons. one reason being, its hard to be honest with yourself about things you need to change. and when confronted with things you need to change, its easy to get defensive and make excuses instead of admitting that there may be some truth to the accusations after all. and ohhhh boy can I make excuses! lol I can rationalize anything. make anyone else out to be the bad guy. convince myself (and others!) that my mindset is rational. lol and the funny thing about being irrational is that you typically don't realize realize you're being irrational while you're doing it. so when I'm making these excuses to myself, its because I actually believe them at the time. its not a manipulation thing. I just honestly can't see it. and when all of a sudden I realize I've been wrong about myself, its always interesting. I mean, it's me! lol how can I be so wrong about me all the time.
ohh but I am. all.the.time. my most recent eye opening revelation about myself happened over this past week. I had been suspicious of myself for several days, thinking that I wasn't being honest with myself. there were little signs that I recognized from the past. and I remembered how I felt and what I thought and what I did when I was in similar situations before. (see previous blog 'wtf life' because this goes along with that) I wrote my last blog without really knowing why I was writing it. I even mentioned in the blog, I wasn't sure where I was going with it when I began. I think I knew I was on the brink of something. lol I had become suspicious enough of me that I felt compelled to write about it even though I didn't know why at the time.
I still haven't figured everything 100% out. and I know I've suspected myself of this before. I've written other blogs where I've mentioned this. I've tiptoed around it. I've written a lot about my commitment phobia. but even though I've talked about it a lot I don't think I really believed it. I just told myself that to make me feel better after a relationship failed. but I was right to be suspicious. 2007-2009 was an emotional blur for me. I wish I was more self aware then. I think that would help me out a lot now. but unfortunately I didn't do any reflecting or soul searching then. I was a complete mess. and I'm still a mess now, but I'm more apt to dwell over why I act and react the way I do.
anyways back to the point. not only am I afraid of commitment, I will actively sabotage something once shit gets to real. I've probably written about this in the past. I think I've suspected myself of doing this for awhile. the signs were all there. I can pinpoint exactly when I did it too. and if the sabotage didn't stick (most of the time it doesn't stick...am I that awesome that men cling to my abuse for some reason? or do men really just love crazy bitches? more on that to come in my next blog) ahem, sorry. if the sabotage doesn't stick, then I sabotage some more. until I've successfully driven away the threat of shit getting real. "getting real" can be a variety of things that send me into sabotage mode. it can be something as minor as a guy calling me a pet name (example, guy I met on okcupid, talked to him for awhile, gave him my number seemed super promising. liked him a lot. he called me babe or baby or something, and I never texted him back. oops.) or it can be something as god awful as *gasp* a guy asking me out on a date. and if I do manage to go out on a date with someone, and somehow a relationship develops, ohhh there is still plenty of ways to sabotage things! you just have to be more creative then. but it can be done! trust me.
and no matter what stage of the flirting/lust/love/relationship scale I'm in, I will sabotage it eventually. the best part is, after it's over, I'm always sooo sad. like crushed. remember now, up until this day, I didn't realize I was sabotaging things. so I was legitimately upset at the loss of these men. in some cases devastated. I'd want them back, fight for them back, make promises I couldn't keep. oh baby, I love you, I promise it'll be better. almost always win them back. then sabotage again. and there'd be more devastation. more tears. sad blogs. sadder poetry. wine and frozen pizza and missed showers and heart wrenching movies. lol Ive got pity partying down! but then...I'm relieved. actually relieved it's over. i always thought that happy elated feeling I got was just proof that I was getting over whichever guy was my most recent victim. but I completely recognize it now as relief. so many pieces to that puzzle finally fitting together.
I can't deal when shit gets real. when it's all fun and games and sex it's great. I can do that. but once I realize I like someone or I could like someone, I panic. why do I do this??? because my parents didn't have a model relationship? (understatement of the century) because my first relationship lasted about 6 years and was amazing for most of it and I was devastated when it didn't work out? because I secretly like being single? I'm scared of not wanting marriage and kids? I don't want to be tied down? controlled? have to report to anyone? lol ahh the possibilities are endless.
I always told myself that when I found the right guy I wouldn't do this. well now I'm fairly certain that is not true! I think I would totally do this anyways. I wouldn't even give him enough of a chance to find out if he's the right guy.
now, to take a little of the blame off of myself. lol its not like I'm targeting these super nice guys then ruining them. all the guys I've dated or liked are great in a lot of ways. but it was obvious from the beginning that it wouldn't work out. and I have been in situations where I was not treated well. so I am certainly not to blame for 100% of my past relationship troubles by any means. but I am definitely drawn to guys where there is little chance of it working out. I've known that about myself for awhile now. but it definitely fits into this revelation nicely. it all goes hand in hand. I always thought I was a romantic and a relationship person but I'm not. like at all. I used to be. up until I was about 22-23 yrs old. and I changed. and I've been this way ever since and I didn't realize it. I didn't fully realize it, until this morning. I recently realized I liked a guy as more than a friend/potential sex object. I tried to stop it, because it was impractical for several reasons. but damn it once those butterflies start a-fluttering there's no turning back.
I was suspicious all week of myself. I was exhibiting all my telltale signs of freaking out. anxiety was too high. higher than it had been in a year. i was seeking out lots of other guys then becoming stressed out at all the attention. excessive drinking and drunk texting. i knew something was going to happen. I had been here before. so unlike other times in the past, this time I was suspicious of myself. I was watching me, wondering what I would do next. ohh and I did not disappoint myself. sabotage where sabotage wasn't even necessary. and then this morning...relief. i recognized the relief right away this time. I realized I've probably felt this relief before. masked as some other emotion, surely. but relief it is.
I'm hoping that this ends up being a huge breakthrough for me. like one of those things that you can fix once you realize what it is. I knew something was wrong before but I didn't have all the pieces to figure it out. I was suspicious but didn't have all the facts. so I was content blaming everything and everyone. blaming myself too, but not for the right things. instead of thinking, "if I were more confident, lovable, attractive, smarter, this, that, etc, then maybe they'd still like me" I should be thinking, "maybe if I didn't push them away, they'd still be here."
hnmm...lots to think about. but I've got a good feeling about things :) its nice to be honest with myself rather than suspicious.
if anyone made it through all this crazy reading, I commend you. I probably wont even read it to proofread it. lol and this is a great lead in to my upcoming blog about crazy bitches :) that was supposed to be my next blog, but i felt this topic should come first. til next time folks <3
http://youtu.be/DMQbzLrvwlE
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