escape

i used to go out of town about three or four times a year. it was almost as if my body knew when it was time for me to take a vacation. it would get to the point where I hated everything and everybody at work. i would start taking days off, just to do nothing. my productivity would be very low. and i would think, "oh i need a vacation!" I'd go off somewhere for a week or so, and return to work rejuvenated and happy! :) and that would happen a few times a year. it was a great system.

well...I've been in "i need a vacation" mode for about a year now. i just feel completely defeated. i don't even know exactly what is wrong. but nothing about my life feels right anymore and i feel powerless to fix things. it has definitely gotten to the point where things are so bad that i don't even know if a vacation can fix it.

i was supposed to go to Florida next week but circumstances changed and now i'm not going. i can't even express how badly i was looking forward to just driving away from here. driving through mountains and stopping at random places on the way. laying on a beach. i haven't even been to a god damn beach in michigan this summer.

i am well aware that i am attempting to flee from my problems here. which is how i ended up in DC back in 2009. and that obviously didn't work out so well. but i can't help it. every single cell in my body is shouting "ESCAPE!" i feel like i'm standing in front of a hungry bear or something. and my fight or flight process is kicking in. and i just can't do the fight. so flight it is. but my problem isn't as easy as fleeing from a bear. my problems are on the inside and no road trip to Florida would have cured that. but it sure would have been pretty damn nice to have been laying on a beach while pondering those things :) sigh. maybe next time.