oh how quickly things change

so it seems like it's been a long time since I've written a blog (three weeks or so i think). part of the reason i haven't written in awhile is because i've been pretty busy with work. another reason is because events in my life happen so quickly that unless i blog everyday, i can't keep up! lol ohh my life.

but the main reason why it's been three weeks since i've posted is because i actually did write another blog about 2 weeks ago, but decided not to post it. i contemplated making the blog public for about a week, then decided against it. i did that for several reasons. one, because it was incredibly personal. and while i obviously divulge quite a bit of info in my blogs, this was above and beyond what i normally would say. not only because it referred to really specific events and people, but also because it was a HUGE insight to some of my very very innermost feelings. which half the time i don't even understand! lol it was very honest and i haven't been honest with myself like that in a long time.

so you may be wondering why am i writing a blog about another blog that you'll never see? lol well because this blog is actually about the importance of being really honest with yourself, and about how writing helps me out A LOT. this blog is also timed perfectly to go along with the To Write Love On Her Arms (TWLOHA) Day that was Friday.

For those of you that do not know, TWLOHA is basically a movement that helps people who struggle with depression. It's amazing. And also, some of you may not know that I myself have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I used to receive counseling services through the school, but I've completed most of my counseling goals =) so I don't' go as often now.

I realized after reading and rereading my blog that I didn't post, that I didn't need to post it. I wrote it just for me. And I needed to sit down and be incredibly brutally honest with myself about the whole situation that said blog was about. We all get so caught up in not wanting others to see our weaknesses, and pretending that things don't bother us, that we sometimes start lying to ourselves after lying to everyone else for so long. And I had been lying to myself about somethings.

This is why I needed counseling services, lol. I need someone to kind of be a voice of reason for me sometimes. I'm a reasonable person and when presented with honest facts and reality, I can totally come around and change my mindset. But unfortunately, you don't often get that kind of honesty from friends. (and though that would be helpful, would we really want our friends to be brutally honest with us all the time? lol i don't think i would care for that...)

So once I realized that by sitting down and writing just for me could serve a similar purpose for me as counseling, I was thrilled!!! =) it is easy for me to slip back into depression. And writing is something that has always helped me get out of it. I work at a teen runaway shelter and everyone always tells the kids, "write about it" "keep a journal" etc etc. and i think most of them just kind of half ass it to appease us. much like i half ass my blogs. i don't lie in my blogs, and i do a decent job of being honest, but in reality, there's so much more. i am aware that i have an audience and that people will judge me based on what i write, so i edit my thoughts to be more appropriate.

but writing that one blog just for me was EXACTLY what i needed. it gave me the opportunity to evaluate everything and once i really looked at what was happening, i instantly felt better about the situation. it didn't get better, but my feelings towards it improved, allowing the anxiety, stress and depression that went along with it to basically disappear.

moral of the story, if you are like me and find yourself being confused with life, and suffer from depression from time to time, sit down and write about it. write everything. every single detail. write facts of what's happening, write about your actual real raw feelings about it, write down what you're too scared to tell anyone. then once it's all out there, the problem seems so much more manageable. and a lot of the times, you'll find out that the answer is right there. so please, if you're suffering from depression, seek out counseling services, check out the TWLOHA website, or if you aren't comfortable taking those steps yet, WRITE about it! =)

okay now for the fun part of this blog. a brief update on my wonderfully insane life =) i'll even divulge a bit about what that unposted blog was about! lol my most recent ex and i had a crazy past few months. it was really painful for me and there was a lot of confusion on my end. and for whatever reason, i was fighting to save this relationship that was not worth it. he's a great guy, not a great guy for me. and towards the end, he wasn't even good to me. so...why was i pursuing that? beats the hell outta me, but i was.

part of the reason why i have a hard time getting over exes is because i so seldomly like guys. it seems like i do because i always have about a dozen ridiculous crushes. but i rarely feel a "spark" with someone. actually, that has only happened to me 4 times in my entire life, and those would be my four boyfriends i've had. now compared with the number of guys i've encountered, four is not a large number, lol. and i had tried so hard to find a guy that i had a spark with to help me get over mentioned ex. well, i tried and tried with no such luck. so despite the fact that the situation with the ex was bad for me, i kept at it. the blog i didn't post was about how defeated i felt, and about how i was sick of the situation with the ex, and about "sparks" and new guys and old guys and why my relationship went wrong, what i want in a relationship, how my last relationship didn't resemble what i want in a relationship at all, why i wanted him even though i really didnt, i wrote about EVERYTHING.

and once i looked at it, i realized i knew exactly what i had to do. i've had serious boyfriends (all of which were much more serious than this last relationship) and just when i thought i was never going to get over them...i did. lol but only once i had actually let go of the relationship. a new guy can't find me while i'm still caught up on my ex. so that day that i reread that blog, i completely let go of the relationship. and i can finally honestly say that i am over it. i really let go of it. not like before, when i said i was over it, but was still sleeping with him, and worrying that he had a bad day. no...like i let go of all of it. it's done. and i feel amaaazing. and i believe that i mentioned a couple crushes i had in an earlier blog. well, i still have those crushes for sure. and it makes me smile to have a real crush. not just trying to fill an odd hole that my exes left. but a legit "i get butterflies when he texts me" type crushes. so, i'm quite pleased with life right now :D

in other news: i work a ton. but my shelter is sending me to florida this week for a conference so i'm super excited about that! and our sorority installation is next weekend! I cannot wait! THETA BETA chapter is finally here! <3

that is all! i think i've rambled enough for one day. thanks to anyone who made it all the way through =)