i should be sleeping...

i'm not entirely sure why i am awake. or why i'm blogging. i've been thinking about writing all day. i've been in a terribly sappy mood all day. nothing too terrible. just several little things all building up, which naturally is beginning to drive me insane. i haven't blogged in so long. i think that the last time i was on here, i was vowing to blog everyday. well...yeah. basically sounds like everything i do. or plan to do rather. if i spent half as much time doing shit as i spent planning to do shit, i'd be productive as hell. i've got so many old to-do lists in my purse that i stopped carrying it because i couldn't stand the clutter. i cleaned the desk at the daycare a few days ago and found 7 to-do lists, all virtually the same. none with any items checked off. it's frustrating. i've been like this for as long as i can remember, but being so painfully aware of these habits is upsetting. i remember writing about this a few blogs ago. i can say with absolute certainty now, i preferred the ignorance. i was completely content only having short bursts of productivity. sure the lows in between sucked, but the highs were great. i could be pleased with myself and pat myself on the back for a job well done and revel in delight at my accomplishments. that part was nice. now i can't even enjoy any highs. i just await the end. i still get stuff done, but there's no joy. it's a bit upsetting. it's all upsetting.

i have to admit, when i began typing a few moments ago, i was unsure of what i was going to write about. and i am not pleased with where this is going. as usual, this is just an outlet for my depressed ramblings. which is not entirely reflective of my moods lately. things have been well. overall, i am doing okay. not great, but not bad. i am slowly beginning to feel like my old self again. i'm spending time on things i enjoy. spending less time on things i hate. i'm back working 40 hours a week at the daycare. the money isn't as good as at the shelter, but the hours are much more ideal. i think that my work hours at the shelter have been a big part of my problems the past couple years. too little sleep. eating shelter food was horrible. i came to despise going there. it was sucking the life out of me. i'm much happier at the daycare. feeling useful and productive at work has been nice, instead of being a waste of space for 8 hours a day like i was at the shelter. if i had to do even the slightest task, i was already annoyed. the environment there just breeds laziness. it's unlike me, yet i fell right into it. at the daycare, i find things to do constantly. and i love it. i walk in fired up, and can maintain it for much, if not all, of my shift. i had forgotten what that felt like. i have forgotten what a lot of things felt like.

i think i've forgotten what it felt like to genuinely like a guy. it's been so long since i've had any sort of real feelings towards anyone. i don't know what happened to me. sigh. that's a lie. i know exactly what happened to me. i need to stop lying when i write. i do that even in my journal and no one sees that but me. that's partly why my writings have all been so bad lately. everything sucks because i can't even be honest with myself. i'm working on that. i've been thinking about things i would write down, if i were to be completely honest with myself. i haven't yet written any of those things down, but i've already written them in my head. over and over again. i can't do anything else with those thoughts yet though. maybe someday. getting them into my journal would be a good first step. maybe i'll blog about it someday. and if i get brave, maybe someday i'll start telling people those things. feigning indifference has become exhausting. i'm sure i'm not the only one with that problem. i'm sure i'm surrounded by people who are all pretending to not care about someone or something.

as usual, i've written things but said nothing. i think i'd like to blog again tomorrow. i always forget how good it feels to just write.