Quick Post Before Bed

So a few months ago I stopped stopped in my counselor's office, just to give her an update on my life. I only go see her occasionally now. Not because I'm any less crazy, but mostly because I'm maintaining some level of normalcy, so I don't feel the need to go in once a week anymore. Anyways, i stopped in a few months ago, and she inquired about my productivity levels. I had to be honest with her, because at the time, I was not being so productive. Instead of telling her all the things I had been getting done and the things I had left on a backburner (I had so many backburner items at the time) I told her a quick story that summed it all up.

I told her how I had received a letter from my health coverage company and I had to fill out a form and make a copy of some things and mail it back in. She asked me if I did it, and I told her no I had not. But I really thought I might do it. She probably praised me or something, which sounds ridiculous. This whole thing sounds ridiculous. I realize that. But the reason this felt like a big deal is because I receive all sorts of correspondence that I'm supposed to take some sort of action on, and I never do. I honestly would have no intention of ever attending to it. I don't know why. I have my theories I suppose, but that's for another day. The point of this story is, for the first time in a long time, I felt like I had every intention of acting on this letter. Of course, I never did reply and that insurance was canceled shortly after (baby steps, baby steps) BUT i was incredibly proud of the fact that I received the letter and rather than immediately disregarding it or just not having the motivation to deal with it, I thought, "Oh wow, I need to send this back!" And I put it in my purse and made a copy of my license to send in with it. I honestly did just forget to mail it (and it for those curious souls out there, I actually ended up making too much money for this program, so me not mailing the form back didn't really matter).

The whole situation just felt so normal. and that's why that moment felt important. i've talked a lot about how my normal had become so skewed that i didn't even recall what normal felt like. the reason that is important is because lately i've been adding more and more normal activities to my day. i've been making dinner again (something i haven't done regularly since 2009, honestly) i'm doing little projects at work. i read and write again. and it doesn't feel weird. it just feels...normal. the weird part is comparing this lifestyle to my abnormal one i had been living in for the past couple years. i really don't know how i survived. i was barely living. i just existed, and quite pitifully.

so i know this all sounds so stupid, but i am very happy to be sitting here on a computer writing, with a book next to me, and a cup of tea and playing on a harry potter fan site. it honestly feels like pre-depression shawntae and it makes me so happy i could cry =) lol i will spare you all that. but seriously, shit is good. life is good. it just feels good to be alive.