countless times over the past several weeks i've found myself giddy and breathless and anticipating...something. it's very similar to the feeling of being in love. sometimes i feel as if i AM in love. the feeling is virtually the same, except for the complete lack of a romantic interest. but everything else feels the same. i can't quite put my finger on it, and i have absolutely no idea where this feeling is coming from. but it's definitely building some sort of excitement in me that i haven't felt in years.
things in my life are finally starting to come together. i feel as if i am beginning to live the life that i was meant to live. it is quite wonderful to have days filled with laughter and whimsey instead of anxiousness and tears. that doesn't mean that i still don't get sad. i am often sad. and even more frequently lonely. but it doesn't seem to define me anymore. i don't blog as often, not because i'm not writing. i write constantly. but because without needing to drone on about my depression and problems, i find that blogging feels unnecessary. i still maintain a couple of anonymous blogs that i will continue to post in. but as far as this personal blog, i think i've found myself being done with it. it's just a landfill of every sad thought i've ever had. i'd cry myself to sleep writing. i would force myself to write ridiculously happy blogs that in no way reflected my mood, typically titling them something along the lines of "i'm awesome" or "i'm a bad-ass" then i'd go about my day in a depression filled fog. it feels good to be writing again for creativity's sake. i'm in no way a talented writer, but i'm certainly better than this melancholy drivel i've been spewing all over blogger for the past few years.
anyways, i got a bit off track. as usual. this was intended to be about how i've been experiencing the "i have a crush" type butterflies lately, despite having literally not one romantic prospect. i must say, i am quite enjoying it. i looked at my phone a few moments ago and realized that i've sent less than 10 texts all week. and i spent a large part of my weekend being heavily intoxicated (ohh halloween) and i didn't send any of my usual drunk texts. i believe friday night i sent a text or two, but both only said "hi" or "hey" or something. i didn't follow up. and saturday night i don't think i sent a single text. i am notorious for getting drunk and soliciting the affections of men. sometimes i'm looking for some sort of booty call (classy, i know) sometimes i get brave after one too many dirty martinis and i want to tell my crushes how cute they are or whatever. but none of that occurred this weekend. how odd. i am finally getting to the point where i am okay with not being in a relationship. i don't appear to be seeking out the meaningless sex, or wanting to strike up convos with ex boyfriends or ex lovers or ex whatevers. it feels nice to begin to be free from those attachments. they honestly weren't doing me any good anyways.
this is the first time in my entire life that i've been doing things that weren't motivated by some sort of romantic attachment. even decisions that i used to say were for me, were really the result of a (current of failed) romance. i moved to washington dc to "better myself" but it was clearly me running away from an ex. and i returned because "i got my old job back" but really it was the result of my ex paying to fly me back home. i've done so many ridiculous things to get over exes, get back together with exes, pursue new crushes, secure a sexcapade, make a boyfriend happy. i'm disgusted at the number of "men are from mars, women are from venus" type books that i own. i'm not sure how i became the type of person whose happiness is completely dependent on having a romantic partner, but i'd like to think that my current state is a testament to the fact that those days are over for me.
finally, i am loving life. not because i'm in love with a person. but because i just truly am beginning to enjoy everyday. every day isn't always good. every day isn't even okay. some days still suck. i still get sad. i had a wonderful pity party the other day. but it wasn't motivated by a failed romance. my day just sucked. which is quite alright! it feels good to feel as if i'm in control of my life. i finally am beginning to think about what i want to do. what makes me happy. i hope this behavior keeps up! after spending most of my adult life in some sort of tangled love mess, this is an odd feeling. i am so quite to become absorbed into my romances, it gets all too easy to forget myself. time to start figuring out who i am and what i want. then maybe the right romance will find it's way into my life! lol sigh...wishful thinking! but a girl can dream, can't she? =)
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