Relationships

So I've been saying I was going to write a relationship blog for awhile. And now that i've concluded my counseling sessions, and much of those sessions were spent talking about my relationships, i thought now seemed like a good time to write it :) especially while my counseling sessions are still fresh in my mind.

So i saw an ex last night at a party. We casually chatted for a bit, which was nice. It wasn't awkward or weird for me and I didn't feel any sense of wanting to kiss him or anything or any jealous feelings that he wasn't "mine" lol. So I was feeling pretty good about things. Then I ran into him later, and tried to ask him something and he totally snapped on me for no reason. It sucked. It's like he's mean to me when he's stressed just cuz he can be :/ its frustrating.

But whatever I guess. lol Ive tried to be nice to him, but bottom line is, I'm less stressed when Im not maintaining contact with him. If there is anything I learned from my relationship last year, it's that I can't let myself get caught up with people that have such a negative effect on me. It gets so easy to care too much. And it's hard to think, "well I'm just not going to care about you anymore." but that's really what it comes down to. So basically, I can't care. Hopefully everything works out for him. But I don't need someone in my life who's mean just for the sake of being mean. There have been times in the past where I deserved it because I wasn't always nice. But lately, that hasn't been the case. I've been very nice, and still, given the opportunity, he makes me feel bad. So good riddance to that, lol.

I'm very frustrated because all my relationships are exactly the same. Even though all the guys I date seem really different, they are all sooo similar in a lot of ways. I always get hardcore pursued, then the guy never knows what he wants. But is always slow to let me go. And naturally by this point, I'm crazy about him and just want to be with him. But obviously everyone knows that the person that cares less in a relationship always has the upper hand and gets to call the shots. I can never walk away, I always care too much. I never call the shots. The guy doesn't care enough. Same old, same old.

Ugh. It's exhausting cuz my relationships drag on sooo much longer than they should because I always want to fix not only the relationship, but the guy. Which is why it's so hard for me to leave guys alone when I know they're having a hard time. I just have this crazy need to fix everything. I think that's why I'm so much less stressed when I have no contact with guys, especially exes. Because it is truly very stressful to always be worrying about someone else. It's one thing when someone let's you help (which that is exhausting too sort of) but it's even worse when I want to help but I can't. It makes me sad. Ugh. You can tell I've worked with kids for too long, lol. Nurturing is one of my top personality traits. And I love having someone to take care of. But it drains me...but I still love it. UGH

So I've been going to counseling for several months now and I've been working on these issues pretty much every session. lol i don't know what to do. It's not like I'm picking guys that obviously need to be taken care of. Maybe guys that need that are drawn to me, or maybe I just bring out that side of the guys I date. I don't know. But it clearly isn't working out. I don't want to keep dating guys that only want to be around me when they're having a bad day and need someone to talk to. I love that people feel comfortable enough around me to do that. But it's hard in a relationship. I want a guy that likes me when things are going good and going bad.

I've done a lot of changing this year. So I'm hoping in my next relationship, I won't have all these problems. But I'm still me. How can I avoid being in the same relationship over and over again? Ugh. And anyone who knows the guys I've dated, knows that they are all pretty different. Yet every relationship is the same. It sucks. I always end up trying too hard to save a relationship I know is very obviously not worth saving. And while I'm wasting time trying to save these broken relationships, I'm missing out on potential good guys. I'm sick of it. But I'm afraid that still may be my pattern for awhile. Until I find a guy that will let me take care of him sometimes but doesn't NEED me to take care of him.

So side note, lol. New guys. lol I have a couple little minor crushes, and one legit "I may try to pursue him" crush. But we'll see. I'm clearly not in a good place to be in a relationship. But I do like having someone to hang out with. And I miss cuddling and going to movies and having someone to talk on the phone with. So idk.

I'm very frustrated with relationships, obviously. I've been single for months, but somehow relationships, past and potential, still somehow rule my life. Every other aspect of my life is great. But when I think about certain exes, or guys I've liked, it just makes me sad. But I found a quote that explains my feelings exactly.

"Watching you walk out of my life hasn't made me bitter or cynical about love, but rather, it has shown me that if I wanted so badly to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along."

That makes me smile :) it sucks that I've been hurt and used and strung along and broken up with. But I guess I'm happy that despite all that, I still care so much everytime. Even though I shouldn't always. But I do. And because of that, I'll find someone! :) I'm not bitter at all. I don't think there is such a thing as caring too much. And I have quite a few personality traits that are not condusive to having a good relationship. But caring too much can't be one of them. And if someone is upset that I care about them too much, then they aren't the one for me. I'm a lover. I will write a guy letters when he's having a bad day. I will remember his favorite things and make him corny gifts. I show him everyday how much I care. That's just me.

Wow, this is a long and pointless blog. lol I essentially said nothing. I'm almost in tears though. But I feel about a million times better. It's hard to admit I've been fighting a losing battle with my most recent ex. But at the time he seemed worth it. Sometimes I still think he's worth it. But I can't make him like me or make him want to be with me. It just sucks cuz we were even still having sex as recently as less than a month ago :/ and like i said in my last blog, women confuse sex for feelings. And i definitely was confused, and its shown in my actions lately. But working out all these issues I talked about in this blog, it made me realize how this is the same as my other relationships. And in hindsight, those weren't worth saving either. Sigh.

Another Side note. I've been looking at jobs in other states. I'm really seriously thinking about moving away. I will need a change of scenery soon. I love my friends and family here. But I really want to get away. I need to be around new people, meet new guys, and just be in a new setting. We'll see. But as of right now, I'm very seriously wanting to move. And the thought is pretty exciting :)

I'd say that's enough babbling for one day, lol. I commend anyone who somehow made it through this post! Idk if I'll even read it to proofread it. So hopefully i don't have too many errors! LOL I promise my next blog will be less boring, shorter and less depressing. Things are actually very good in my life. I spend most of each day in an amazing mood. I'm very happy :) but this blog has been a long time coming and I finally decided to write it today.

<3